Blaine Anderson VS His Sexuality
by RidgelessRidgeback
Summary: Blaine falls asleep while watching "Scott Pilgrim VS the World" with his boyfriend, Kurt. Within the depths of his sub-conscious, he must defeat Kurt's seven evil ex-crushes and deal with his own repressed bisexuality issues. Silly. Cracky. Totally Indie.
1. Blaine Anderson is Dating a Girl

_Author's Note: This is my version of a 'crack fic.' I hope it is crazy enough for you. I found it pretty delightful to write. I consider this a sort-of sequel to 'Queen', but they both stand alone. All that means really is that Kurt and Blaine are starting out in a stable relationship. Queen tells the story of how they got there. And Blaine is a little more confident/aggressive than in canon._

_I assume that somebody has done this prompt before, but I just wanted to do it quite badly after a friend sent me a parody of the glee characters as the Scott Pilgrim cover. I also planned to release this all as one chapter, but I guess I started to get antsy since I've been writing it so long. Sorry for having more than one in-progress story at once, I just write bits and pieces of all of them until one is finished. :|_

_If you haven't seen Scott Pilgrim, maybe this will pique your interest. If you haven't seen Glee (how did you find this?) maybe you'll start just to see Kurt and Blaine?_

* * *

Blaine didn't like to watch movies when he was tired. But he also didn't like to say no to Kurt's pouty face. It was _sooooo_ cute.

"You don't understand," he said, trying not to whine (and trying to ignore Kurt's fingertips massaging his scalp.) "I get nightmares when I watch a movie and I fall asleep."

"Ooh, nightmares," Kurt teased, nuzzling his nose against Blaine's face. Kurt's hands slide down his back and Blaine almost forgot what he was talking about.

"Seriously, I do," he mumbled. "I don't want you to laugh at me if I talk in my sleep. Or worse, elbow you in the face."

"That's a risk I'm willing to take," Kurt said, leading him over to his bed. "Did you forget that my parents are out of town and Finn- best brother EVER- offered to spend the night at Sam's? So we are all alone. No one can tell us we can't cuddle in my bed all night."

"I did not forget, although I've found myself wondering what Finn and Sam might be up to," Blaine admitted with a mischievious smile.

Kurt scoffed. "Well, I haven't. I'm a lot more interested in what's right here. You're way cuter than both of them combined."

"Seriously Kurt? I'm blushing."

"Good." Kurt pushed him back on the bed, where he sank into a mountain of satin pillows. Then he was fiddling with the DVD player and Blaine remembered why he was protesting.

"I really will fall asleep and have nightmares, Kurt. Don't do this, please?"

He just giggled. "So fall asleep! Then you'll be well rested for whatever we do later. I just really want to have this experience: movie at home, popcorn, a boyfriend to cuddle with." Kurt cupped his own face in his hands. It was a gesture only a Disney princess could have taught him. "Oh, that word is just delightful. A _boyfriend._"

His enthusiasm was too infectious; Blaine decided he'd have to suffer through it. Kurt wrapped himself around Blaine and he had to admit, it felt great to be touching and cuddling freely together.

Great enough that his eyes started to lose focus, and he began to get sleepy...

"What's the name of this movie anyways?" Blaine managed to say as it began.

"It's called-"

* * *

**BLAINE ANDERSON VS. HIS SEXUALITY**

_Not so long ago..._

_In the mysterious land of Blaine's imagination..._

"Blaine Anderson is dating a _girl_?" Wes asked with dripping distaste.

"Really? Is she hot?" David asked, looking up from the amp he was tweaking.

"How straight are you, exactly, Blaine? Do you or do you not sing the soundtrack of Mamma Mia to yourself in the shower?" Wes's glowering was diminished by how small he appeared behind his massive drum set.

"I do, yes," Blaine said, voice cracking a little. "I like Colin Firth, he's a fine actor."

"And yet you still found a girl to date you," David clarified.

Thad stumbled up from the viewing couch, tripping over the microphone wires. "Did you guys 'do it' yet?"

Blaine leaned against his guitar. "We do many things... we talk about showtunes... she tells me about glee rehearsal, I tell her about band rehearsal..." He let a wistful smile settle on his face, ignorant of how stupid he looked. Or at least how stupid Wes thought he looked.

**Blaine Anderson, Junior. Rating: Dapper.**

"But have you actually kissed her?" David asked. He wasn't going to let a story this good go easily.

"We almost did, once, but then the Youtube video of Queen's 'Radio Gaga' finished buffering."

"Oh geez. You being straight is as believable as me performing in RENT," Wes said with a dark laugh.

"So, what's her name?" David asked, trying to keep the peace.

"Sunshine Corazon," Blaine said with his smuggest smile. "She's from the Phillipines."

"Whoa..." Thad said, readjusting his Dalton tie.

At that moment, there was a knock on the side door. With his smarmiest smirk, Blaine rushed to answer it. On the stoop was a tiny Asian girl with a sweet smile.

"Do you promise to be good?" Blaine whispered to her.

"Sure," Sunshine replied, adjusting her large glasses on her tiny nose.

**Sunshine Corazon, Freshman. Rating: Non-citizen.**

"No really," Blaine replied with wide eyes. "Please be good."

"Blaine, I will knee you in the groin if you don't let me in this door."

He shuffled her in. David bounded up to greet them.

"So, are you going to like, geek out on us or whatever?"

"More like _gleek_, man. She's from Vocal Adrenaline," Blaine said proudly.

"Cool," David pointed at her with both hands as he walked backwards to his guitar.

Sunshine looked around the room suspiciously. "I don't want to sound rude, but this isn't a crackhouse, right? I had this scary encounter one time..."

"Ha ha! What? No, this is the warehouse we rent for band practice. Hey Sunshine, meet the rest of the guys. Let me take your, uh, Hello Kitty backpack..." Blaine slipped the bag off of Sunshine and began to test it out on his own shoulders.

"Oh, hello, what's your name?"

Wes was still glaring. "Wes."

"You play the drums?"

"Yes."

"Are... those your drumsticks?"

Wes looked down at his own hands, both of which were holding wooden gavels. "Yes."

There was silence. Sunshine shifted her weight, uncomfortable.

"I'm Thad," the last member of the room said, approaching.

"Hey Thad. What do you do here?" Sunshine asked.

"I get really mad when people mock us. _You_ don't plan to mock us, right, Sunshine?" Thad glared at her ominously.

"Blaine, your friends are creeping me out..." Sunshine said miserably, but sat down next to Thad on the couch as Wes, David and Blaine got ready to jam.

"You got this, Wes?" David asked, and in return-

"WE ARE THE BLAZING PAVAROTTIS! 1 2 3 4!"

**The Blazing Pavarottis use the ability "Take a Bite of My Heart Tonight." Working Title.**

As they played, Sunshine found that she couldn't take her eyes away. Blaine was especially captivating while jamming on the guitar, even if he was wearing her Hello Kitty backpack. Maybe he wasn't such a bad boyfriend after all.

When the song ended, they waited for her to say something, hopefully encouraging, about the loud racket they had just made.

"You guys are so..." Sunshine started, then realized despite her years of English study, there were still a lot of words she didn't know. What was another synonym for blazing?

"...flaming," she finished.

Wes threw his gavels down in disgust.

* * *

A mature looking fellow, perfectly coifed from his wavy locks to his designer shoes, sat on the edge of the bottom bunk bed. He was the picture of composure as he sipped his coffee and read from a newspaper. Not just any newspaper: the UCLA Campus newspaper.

**Jesse St. James, dormmate, Senior, Rating: Narcissist.**

"Before you hear some dirty rumors elsewhere, yes, I am dating a girl," Blaine told his roommate as he came through the door.

"That's gay," Jesse said without looking up from his paper.

"Ha, ha. Wait. No, I'm not," Blaine told him as he hung up his blazer. If he muttered 'anymore' while his face was turned away, who was to know?

"Does this mean you have to stop sleeping on top of me?" Jesse asked.

Blaine climbed the ladder to the bunk bed, grumbling. "There's a mattress, a plank of wood, and three feet of air between me and you when we sleep. Hardly erotic."

"You never know what people are in to," Jesse replied. He put his newspaper away and whipped out his cell.

"Jesse, you're not doing what I think you're doing-" Blaine's phone began to ring and Jesse escaped into the bathroom successfully.

"You're dating someone from Vocal Adrenaline!" Rachel screeched into his ear.

**Rachel Berry, younger sister, Sophomore, Rating: 5 out of 5 gold stars.**

"But she's a foreign exchange student," he whined. "She makes me lumpia!"

"I don't know what that is, but it better not be against Glee club regulations," she snapped. "Besides, aren't you gay?"

"Why does everyone want to talk about how gay I am? Or, not," he quickly defended.

"Why are you doing this?"

"I just needed to do something... easier," he sighed, falling dramatically back onto his pillow for no one's benefit but his own.

"Is this a phase, or are you switching sides?"

"Why so nosy? Wait a second." Blaine looked around the dorm room. Was the chandelier always made of candy canes? "Am I a McKinley High student? Or a Dalton student? Aren't you my competition? Were you always my sister?"

"I'm telling our dads about this, Blaine!" Rachel threatened as she hung up.

* * *

_Next: Blaine meets the man of his Teenage Dreams and all his emotional baggage._


	2. Blaine Anderson Dreams of a Boy

Author's Note: Here's Part 2! There was one line in here that I really like, but I don't think anyone else will find it as funny as I do. You'd have to really know the lines of the movie to find it funny, but maybe you guys will find it. Your sweet reviews always surprise and delight me! :D

* * *

Blaine and Jesse stood in front of Crawford Country Day, being ogled by the throng of escaping teenage girls.

"We look like incredibly stupid pedophiles," Jesse moaned. "I can't stay here much longer. My parole officer is going to come looking for me."

"Don't worry Jesse. It's just the cat ears that make us look like stupid." Jesse glared at him as Blaine curled his hand into a fist and pawed at his shoulder.

"Hey Blaine! Oh my." Sunshine felt nauseous as she eyed the cat-eared fleece hoodies that the two of them wore.

Jesse gripped both her wrists. "Leave him. You're too female for his needs."

"I'm beginning to get that opinion," Sunshine told him, and the three of them walked to the bus stop. "But I can't leave him yet. He's my best option for a green card right now."

"Where are we going?" Blaine asked after their bus had left the pavement and begun soaring through the sky.

"Nationals," Sunshine explained.

"It's in the sky?"

"It's in New York, fool," Jesse told him.

"Oh, ok, flying bus," Blaine reasoned. He stood up, realizing he wasn't wearing pants. "How long have I been like this?"

"Like what, gay?" Jesse replied. "Since that time we got drunk and taught each other sailor knots with our tongues."

"I'm starting to hate America," Sunshine grumbled.

Something almost like a thought sparked in Blaine's mind. "I figured it out, Jesse! This is a dream! Buses don't fly!"

There was a loud clap of noise and Blaine was standing on stage at Nationals now, still pantless, while an audience cheered for him. He looked around but he was alone.

"Definitely a dream," he muttered. "Hey, dream audience!" Blaine waved and jumped around, enjoying the wolf whistles from the faceless crowd.

From behind him, there was a whirring sound. He turned to see a boy. A very unique looking boy, in a red and white sports uniform, gliding across the stage on a Razor scooter. He had very defined hair. And smooth skin. And an uppity, withering stare.

"Buckeye boxers? Seriously!" he said with a sniff as he whizzed past.

"Who are you?" Blaine shouted, but the boy was already gone.

"Blaine!" David was shouting.

"I know who I am," Blaine replied. He was walking with Wes, David and Thad down a dark alley. "Oh. Man, was I just dreaming? There was a guy in my dreams that I've never met before..."

"The guy of your dreams," Wes repeated, unamused.

"Hey, where are we going?"

"It's a party at Santana Lopez's place," David explained. It explained nothing.

Suddenly they were standing around a house with a bunch of students, drinking from plastic cups. Blaine sipped his.

"Slushies..." he realized, relishing the cool sugary taste.

A large girl with a great beret was walking by. "Wait, I know you!" Blaine called out to her. "I saw a guy in my dream today. He had on a red and white uniform, and he was like, pretty in the face. Ever seen someone like that?"

**Lauren Zizes. Knows Everyone. Bottom Rating: Fat.**

"Uh, yeah. That's Kurt Elizabeth Hummel. He's supposed to be at this party, actually." Lauren was interrupted as Blaine threw his slushie in her face impulsively.

"Sorry about that, bye!" And then he was roaming the crowd, looking for anybody that matched the description of that one guy...

It didn't take long to recognize him; he was wearing a bright yellow coat and boots. And leaning against the wall, looking a little bored. But even bored, his face was compelling! What was it about this one boy?

**Kurt Hummel. Perfect in every way. Rating: Man of your Dreams.**

Blaine adjusted his bow tie and slid up against the wall next to him. "Hi," he said, smiling charmingly.

"Hello," Kurt replied, looking at his nails.

"So, do you know why your name is Kurt? I heard that people think you resemble the character from the Sound of Music. And Hummel is like, those little foreign figurines. They have rosy cheeks. Just like you." Blaine found himself studying the curve of Kurt's cheeks very intensely right now, wondering how soft they would feel.

"I did know that actually. Because it's my name." Kurt's eyes were looking directly into his, but he didn't seem to be that interested.

"Right. So, am I dreaming?" Blaine asked.

"Yes," Kurt told him. "But in this level, you're wearing pants."

"Huh," Blaine thought about this, found it confusing, and forgot about it. "So, can I just stare at you all night?"

"Is this really how you're going to pick me up?"

"Oh, I'm not. I'm not gay."

Kurt arched one eyebrow. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, totally. I'm 360 degrees from gay."

"That would make you gay."

Blaine did the math in his head, then remembered that he didn't remember any math. "Um, I'm going to go... refresh my slushie."

"Whatever," Kurt Hummel said. But while Blaine was gone, Kurt had disappeared from the party entirely.

With nothing else to do, Blaine went on the prowl, looking for anyone who knew anything about this boy.

"What do you know of Kurt Hummel?" Blaine asked.

"All I know is he's gay," Lauren said, eyeing his fresh slushie warily. "Can you point that somewhere else?"

"What do you know of Kurt Hummel?" Blaine asked.

"I heard he's made of porcelain," a small, bespectacled girl said proudly. "At least that's what Coach Sylvester says."

"I hear he kicks all kinds of ass," a nerdy guy with a huge Jewish fro whispered. "He's both a football player _and_ a cheerleader."

"He's got birds dying at his feet," Thad told him, eyes wide.

"He's got some _battle scarves_, dude," a stoner who smelled homeless said with confidence.

Suddenly, an arm gripped him and dragged him through the crowd. Blaine found himself slammed into a coat closet with a scowling girl.

**Santana Lopez. Has Issues. Boob Rating: Fake.**

"Stop gaying up the place, Blaine!" Santana demanded.

"Hey, how am I doing that?"

"I am trying to get my favorite girl to make out with me, and you are going to ruin it by distracting her. Stop trying to date guys where she can see!"

"Do I even date guys?" Why was life so confusing?

"You dated Jesse," Santana said.

"He calls that a mistake, not a relationship."

"You dated Mr. Schuester," Santana said.

"I think what we did was a misdemeanor actually."

"What about Wes?" Santana countered.

"We're way past that now, totally bros," Blaine reassured her. In a bathroom across the house, Wes was poking pins into a tiny doll wearing pink sunglasses.

Santana rolled her eyes. "Just go home! You're not wanky, Blaine Anderson!"

* * *

At home, Jesse was trying to get his beauty rest. He had just finished applying his face mask when the door slammed open and Blaine was jumping up and down on his mattress. Well, kneel jumping, lest he break his neck against the top bunk. And wouldn't that be a relief if he did.

"Wake up! Wake up! I need to steal your Alexander McQueen scarf!"

"In the morning. Please," Jesse groaned. Blaine plucked the cucumber slices off of Jesse's eyes and ate them. "Dammit, Blaine! I need those to cool my eyelids! They're puffy!"

"I need your scarf," Blaine mumbled. "My Dream Boy likes designer goods."

"So you're going to give him my clothes."

Blaine knee slid to the computer. "No, I'm going to post a Craigslist ad for a designer scarf sale and see if he'll come."

Blaine's hands tapped across the keyboard. "Oh hey! I got fanmail!"

Jesse stumbled into the bathroom, washing off his face in defeat. "What makes you think its fanmail?"

"What else could it be? Let's see, the subject says 'Prepare to Sing to your Doom'. Hey, maybe its a contest! Like, a horror musical or something..."

"Jesse! I'm going to read this out loud to you! Dear Mr. Anderson, it has come to my attention that we will be facing each other in a Diva Off. Blah blah boring blah blah Kurt blah blah seven somethings blah blah jenga jenga jenga tots? what the..."

Jesse put in two sets of earplugs and rolled back into his bed.

* * *

Four minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Blaine ripped open the door and there he was: Kurt Elizabeth Hummel. Beautiful. And with an angelic expression on his face.

"Are you Blaine Anderson? I heard you're selling scarves," Kurt breathed.

"Yes." Blaine gulped.

"I _love_ scarves." Kurt pushed his way into the room. He glanced around with slight distaste and confusion. "Wait, this doesn't look like a sale. This looks like a dirty dorm room."

Blaine dropped to his knees. "Please go out with me. Please. You're the guy of my dreams." Wait, was this too forward? Blaine stood again. "Is this weird? Am I screwing this up?"

"Nope." Kurt pulled out a hand mirror and began adjusting the front locks of his hair. "This is a dream, strange things are pretty much expected. Wait, are you the Buckeyes fan with the pantless stage fantasies?"

"Um, yes... but I also like scarves and scooters... and whatever else you like. Like you. I like you."

Kurt crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Don't take this the wrong way, but aren't you straight?"

Wasn't he? Blaine stood, confused. "Maybe I am bi, I don't know."

Kurt's lip curled into a pout. "This sounds like a really bad idea."

Blaine held up Jesse's scarf. "I'll give you this?"

Kurt blinked. "You know my weakness. Okay, deal. See you tomorrow. At 8."

"I'll be right here. Waiting for you." Blaine winked.

The door clicked close, but not before he caught the hint of a smile on Kurt's face.

"I heard every word, you fuck," Jesse muttered from his cocoon of sheets. "You owe me a new accessory of my choosing."

"Don't care at all, I'm going on a date!" Blaine sung out as he shimmied into the bathroom to do a victory dance. Life was awesome and nothing could possibly go wrong from here on in.

* * *

_Next: Blaine gets to go on a date with a real boy, but there are some conditions he will have to deal with._


End file.
